{joy in the journey}

i already shared that this year has been a challenging one for me. it's been a year full of chaos-rushing from one thing to the next constantly.  that's hard for someone who is a perfectionist because i haven't been doing anything as well as i would like.  i get so much worth out of having it all together-or at least when i appear to have it all together (i realize this isn't a good thing). i want to be that person who can juggle working full time while caring for my four kids, who can keep up with the laundry, the cleaning, the running, the schedules, the one who can serve at church, etc. and do it ALL seamlessly.  and i can't. my house is a mess more often than i like.  i snap at the kids for the inconveniences they create like spills and messes (really they are just four kids being kids). i mix up what kid needs to be where and when. i'm less than perfect.

God has been teaching me that i need to slow down.  i need to tend to my soul, something i have been neglecting.  sure i've done quick devotions on my phone using the bible app.  and there's nothing wrong with those, but they weren't really feeding my soul. they were just another thing i could check off my list. i wasn't taking the time to pray and be in the word and man, it's left me empty, frustrated, and longing for more amongst the crazy.  i can't be anything to anyone if i'm not taking care of myself.  taking care of myself means doing less of the other and seeking the slow, the quiet, the unrushed.  each morning i've been taking my bible and prayer journal out to the table with me.  first thing, as drink my coffee and eat my breakfast, i've been reading, studying, and learning.  i often end my day (when my schedule allows and the kids are in bed at a decent time) on the back patio, in the stillness, enjoying the beauty around me. it has been good for my soul.

there are many seasons in life and i'm in one of chaos.  sometimes i think if i no longer work outside of the home, everything will be easier, better, less busy.  i'm finding that isn't the case, my house is still a mess and laundry is still piled up, and the calendar if full and i'm at home right now.  i'm learning to find joy in the journey and fight every part of being that says i need to perfect.  God doesn't love me more or less based on anything i do or don't do.  i can't earn his love.  he already loves me and has since long before i was created and when i tend to my soul, i feel more connected and am able to love those closest to me more deeply. 

i'm choosing to find joy in the tantrums, the yelling, the running, and the crazy.  but i'm also learning there joy in the stillness, in the quietness, at he feet of Jesus.  i'm striving for more of the later and i'm learning the rest will fall into place.